Sunday the 12th of November, 1989

Woke up at 8:00 in the morning at Sherry's, contact lenses glued to my eyelids, parched throat, one running shoe still on, still fully clothed. Took out the sticky lenses, downed a Tylenol Extra Strength with some water. Back to the couch for reawakening around 11:00. A pretty wasted night, not as in 'waste of time'.

Started at a party connection thru Morris, with Andreas too. Didn't know anybody. There are a couple of girls. One, named I believe Laurie, was conservative and almost plain at first glance, but became more and more interesting, as I talked to her for around 15 minutes. Didn't seem like she had a boyfriend... But I lost her later to people she knew and I wasn't into. She left... We left for downtown (me, Morris, Andreas, Sharon and other guy -> in his car, me : "Could you turn the music up please" from the back.

At Deja Vu, everyone there : Tammy, Sherry, Gerald, Rob, Chris, Susan, Heather, Julia, Jane, Grant, Debby ... did I leave anyone out ? Chuck. My night sort of dies (with respect to chix) as Heather relentlessly pursues me rather aggressively.

See Julie (Murphy) at end of night. She kissed me goodbye... She still looks amazingly cute...

Something's gonna happen soon, wrt chix. 2 weeks ago, I after Francine... almost something. 5 days later, Jadee incident... her obsessed. Another week and a half later, Heather obsessed. And last night shoulda jumped on Laurie, and could also have asked Julie for a date....

Ah well, more to come... and did come 4 times today between 2:30 and 6:00, as went kind of sex imagination crazed. Smoking doesn't help neither...

Next week, Corny's psarty and Pixies

Wish I could think better today...

World of 3 [Dec 7, 1981]

What is that material thing,
So important to you.
Are illusions an end ?
The dangers of the world of 3.

I'm a hopeless victim of flesh
Slave to a measurement
And adornment
I see through it, yet I need it

Unsettled [Sun, Oct 25 1981]

Nite Friday, Jim picks me up. I have had 1 1/2 drinks and gulped 3 val.'s. We go to Gertrude's, upstairs. We sit with large band of big guys, who are drinking their muscles off. Of course I couldn't help joining in, and consumed an excessive amount of beer. Wandered around, down & up, but not too much happening. Met some girls, but they left at 12:00, so we (Jim, Gerry, J.F., etc) went to a Frat party a few streets away, which was OK, if you discount the fact that there were 3 guys to every girl in the place. But we danced like [fill in]; only to cause my stomach varying degrees of discomfort. So I casually and inconspicuously made my way outside to the rear of the building, whereupon I released the unsettled contents of my stomach without too much difficulty. After this, it was all downhill, and we left.

Love Injection [Feb 4, 1986]

Your brooding darkness
follows me
Casually lifted eyes
freeze me in my tracks

Your name is Temptation
Bait for the hungry fish.
A delectable dish,
I don't want to spoil,
by tasting,
and finding
I can't eat with my eyes closed.

Been tempted before,
I know what's in store
Obession makes a monster
of Want from afar

-------------------

One dark, one light
One subtle, one "fight!"
I don't understand
the final result

She carries me to tragedy
Unnoticing,
Unfeeling,
My deadly trajectory

In a wall of strengths,
She my crumbling weakness
penetrates.

Gone she leaves
in a daze deceived
Head swimming
with deep and troubled waters

Is my one protection,
my new obsession ?
So far away today
except in my thoughts
where she's taken control.

Tomorrow,
who's to feel my affection ?
take my love injection ?
Somwhere someone flips a coin ?
Or am I master of my fate ?
Whatever I want for me to create
Just takes a word to initiate
the future.

Answers [Nov, 1977]

Oh, Guitar
How happy you are!
You sing me happy
Under the stars.

Oh Voice
How sweet you sing!
Liquid flow
Peace you bring.

Sitting calmly under the gaze of the heavenly superiors
Reflecting unencountered solitude
Bathed in fluorescent Awareness
What you must think!

Oh, Love
To me how dear
Your sweet soul tender
But shed a tear.

And don't follow the followers, they don't know
Embrace the future. Use your mind,
My Friend, you'll someday learn
What they strived for.

Oh, Life
So bright and fragile
Endlessly on
Your my mind's child.

Sat Dec 7, 1985

Mini-odyssey. Time-wise at least. But my life feels changed.

Wednesday:

Do mushrooms here. Meet Jim at Peel Pub, dressed in black leather and slutty attire. Drink 2 pitchers. Talk with guy (Dude) who enlightens me with his relaxed rambling life attitude. Go to Sphinx. Dance, dance, as the mushrooms are peaking. Sex-dance unspoken words with one girl as her 'boyfriend' sits alone. Meet Tina from England [ed: a dead ringer for Emma Samms - or so I thought at the time]. Talk, talk, talk to her. She comes home with me. Don't worry it's only to sleep. We m.o. a bit but on shrooms who cares. So we actually sleep [I mean often you're waking up all the time when sleeping with someone]. She leaves at noon, no promises "Have a good life".

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Thursday:

The shrooms have made me think so much, it's like my attitude has changed and I'm a new person [And I am]. I've become more aggressive, demanding, less prone to depression, happier. Wilder...

Go out at nite (again with Jim) to Management bash at Ballroom. Talk talk to people. It's my new way, I can't control it. I just have the incredible urge to interface with everybody, male or female, young or old... Don't get too hammered, cum back at 2:00, play guitar with Noj until 3:00...

Friday:

People come over : JoAnn, Alec, Cindy, Sherry. Watch slides. Watch beer slide down my throat. See me determined to get wasted... Have to party... Go to frat party with Alec, Sherry, JoAnn. I go wild. From the minute I walk thru the door, I start talking to everybody in sight. I visit every group of girls in the place and start talking to them. That's all I do all night, no dancing or sitting around...just talk talk to girls.

Suddenly, I feel gross and go home. Cindy is in my bed, it should feel nice, but I get the spins, real bad, and I'm off, to the toilet, and puking (mostly bile) for at least an hour. To Jonathan "Go back to your room!" To JoAnn and co : "Everybody shut up!" To Paul : "Put that cigarette out!" To Jo : "Cindy's not fucking going anywhere!" (when Jo wants to wake her up and take a taxi home).
So I was kind of an asshole at the end of the night ! Don't remember much. I awake shivering violently, Cindy warms me I think... But I'm fuckin ruined in the morning, and only now (~7:30) barely coming round...

I feel wild again now.

Easy come
easy go
I lost it in
the falling snow

Sat. Oct 15, 1977

I did my paper-route this morning, it's completely fucked up. I didn't have the right number of papers, and all the numbers on my cards don't correspond to those of the route list! After lunch today, my mother and I went out to get suck pants for school. I got $62 work-boots for $43. I also got new shoes for school.

At 3:30, I went to Sweeney's, arriving at 4:30. Pete had his car, and we cruised around (it's a Lincoln Continental, very nice). We toked. Then we went in his brother Chris's car (Camaro Z28). Chris told us that THC is very good. We wanted to take it, but he didn't have enough for all of us. At 7:00, we took a bus to go to the Loyola dance. Arrived at 7:45. Zig and Caz came at 8:15. We toked and drank in Zig's car. Pete couldn't get in because Fr. Altilia wouldn't let him. We decided that Pete and Sweeney would stay in the car, and Zig, Caz, and I would go in the dance. But Zig was a real bastard, and didn't let Pete and Sweeney stay in the car. Finally, he went and unlocked the car door for them. We went in the dance. There were lots of nice chicks, but we didn't dance. Wandered around. Finally, when we had to go, we said we'd dance a 'slow' and then leave. I danced with this nice chick (I think she's nice; I was stoned and it was dark) named Diane. We talked nearly all the time we danced. She goes to Queen of Angels.

We left at 10:30, and found out that the Loyola campus security guard caught Dave and Pete toking. Fr. Altilia was there too. I think Dave is in trouble. Zig was very, very, pissed off at them. We went downtown, and Zig let us off near the Limelight, he and Caz said they'd go to the Lime too as soon as they found a place to park. We (Pete, Sweeeney and I) went to the Super-Lime (no problems). It's fantastic there. There's an incredible light-show, and the speakers are 8 feet wide and 12 feet tall. We were there for half an hour, then went and ate Chinese food, toked, and went back for another hour. At 1:00, we took a taxi (cost more than $6) and I slept over at Dave's.

el 15 de mayo [1977]

El noche de viernes, con Alec, no hago nada. Pero el 12:30 yo sali con el, bebimos y fuimos llamar And. Todos nos tres fuimos a Queens, fuimos en coches, backyards, detruimos mucho y, cuando yo fui en un bella coche, vi un microphone, y pienso "C.B" ! Pero, no esta. Entonces, vi de los llaves en el seat. And y Alec pusheron el coche en la street, y yo commencio el coche ! You fui mas o menos 200 metros con el coche, y vio que And y Alec no me suiveron. Stoppe y fue con And en el coche para 10 minutos. Entonces stope el coche y encontramos Alec. No fuimos en el coche autra vez porque habia muchos coches y copas. Despues (4:00) todos cuatro fuimos a nos casas (Alec poco bombardo). El proximo dia, yo try los zapatos que And prinio y me fitimos. Despues, yo y Alec fuimos a mi casa (con mi otros zapatos,(And busce sus herbes) y bebimos de mi mik. Yo mis plein mi pipa y cuando And viene, todos fuimos atras de su casa, tenimo gran argumento de donde tockamos, y finalmente decide que tokamos entre Pediclers y Pollmullers. Tokamos un bol de mi (Alec nos vio) y un de el. [Yo, un demihora antes de eso, golpo vitamines -> 1) 1 de rainbow 2) 2 de Dem 3) 2 de pheno barb, y comienza hacer affecte con el kill]. Despues de tokar fui muy, muy, stonito y violente; attacko And muchos veces y tambien Alec; finalmente, cuando Alec fue chez lui, yo attacko And por el last time. Commienzaro a dar muy fuerto punches, y finalmente el fue chez lui (presque crying y muy surprised) yo, (stoned) le suvi a su peurta, pero el fue en su casa sin decir nada. You fue a mi casa, y no puedo recordar si madre he dicho algo a yo : no puedo recordar much de ese noche, porque fue el tiempo mas mas mas mas mas stondo, bombardo, enflammido en vi vida! El domingo, no hago nada (pintar la cloiture y garden [tengo 12 ???? dehores y 11 en casa]) pero telefono a Alec para hacer algo, y el dicio que And fue muy, muy pissed off con yo.

That Woman [this morning]

[4-bar blues]

My woman,
she been sleeping around
that woman,
she been sleeping around

Met her in a bar,
she was taking off her clothes
Stopped by later,
and offered her a rose.
Next thing you know,
she was staring at my ceiling,
And I didn't know
what the hell I was feeling

That woman,
she'd been sleeping around
That woman,
she'd been going to town

[more verses]

My woman,
she's been sleeping around
That woman,
she make me look like a clown

...
She say I treated her wrong
And we ain't getting along
Ain't got no 10" dong
No, all I got is this song

Monday Nov. 19, 1984

Talk about a humdrum date.
High! Buy!
As I reach for the half-empty flask amid the scattered papers of my desk, I think deeply of the past few days - hazy events that remain out of focus and hold no promise for future clarity. A path trodden so often before, yet still I am lost among its deceptive twists and turns. Sometimes it is better to be irrational
...

[Tues Dec 4, 1990]

Minorly freaking out now, as finger (index) is numb on one side of the tip, and have no idea why. But it was day after having party here, after large intake of alcohol, and medium of coke. Stayed up 'til 10:00 am.

And tonite, went foraging around for bits of coke that people left from the party, and found enuf to get minorly high on,. But maybe not good, since don't feel mentally too hot right now. Work going shit (actually only last 2 days shit - before that, mucho success). Still, ya always feel what you just left behind. Memory pretty volatile, fades so fast into the past forever.

It was a great party. Great decorations, excellent people. Good drugs. Chix. 2 floors ~8 rooms. My cool room, freak out on the bed with the blacklite illuminating the fluorescent-streaked sky. Paul's room, table and comraderie w/ tequila shots.
...

Wednesday, she said [Apr 24, 1986]

There's only one word for it, one face, one feeling, one fantasy. Something like Love. But dangerous love, heart-breaking love, forbidden love. Meanwhile I see nothing else.

Wednesday, she said, but it was not to be (almost it was). Now it's Friday, and anything can happen. She called me Monday, after 8 days of silence (I was going nuts, got scared of my reaction even much too strong for such a minor phenomenon). Come over, with other, 10 min and gone. Then later she phones and we arrange Wednesday. But Wednesday I sense she scared to come over, almost doesn't. Sam here, and she comes only I think because she won't have to face me alone. We all 3 drink... 12:00 Sam leaves. Alone. It takes me about 3 minutes to move, onto her that is. It feels as usual good. But she has to go soon... should we ?, no.. too fast. Let's do it when we have more time. So Fri it is to be (hope I). Man, she looked good tonite. Legs, high heels, how'd she guess. And that shape, the waist to thighs curves, yum-yum. Incredible... Must have, must experience, must love, must come, must make love soon.

The Alternative Dictionary [1978]

masturbate: a substance used to attract persons superior to oneself
lukewarm : how Luke feels when he wakes up in the middle of the night
arrogant: egotistical ant
maximum: a maternal figure rather large in stature
paradox: 2 docks side by side
password: a clever and devious line used on a member of the opposite sex
prosecute: legal action taken against beautiful girls
prudish: a meal cooked by an excessively modest girl
rampant: a colorful term used to describe sexual intercourse
stubborn: a birth defect often leading to inferiority complexes
sextant: instrument used to guide seamen
substitute: a flute-like sound emitted from air trapped underneath breasts
absorbed: what your bed says after a successful weekend
female: light alcohol drink for women
checkmate: what you do before you go to bed with someone
deduction: an auction where owners get rid of their pet ducks
addicted: a teddy bear manufactured to resemble a penis
homogeneous: an intelligent fag
peerless: what cops say to a peeping Tom
public: oral sex with a large group of people
purpose: vaginal infection common to cats
quantity: huge breasts
receding: trying to get your wife pregnant again
recipe: a dish made using urine as an ingredient
redress: what happens to a girl when she forgets to wear a tampon
studied: condition caused by over indulgence in sex by males

I must be getting home, Part II [Dec 4, 1981]

She couldn't control her laughter as he took his underwear off, and the fake large penis fell to the floor. Underneath was a small penis, only maybe an inch and a half long. "Ah, but watch this", he said. She watched as the small penis became bigger, and bigger, til it was at least 12 inches long and 3 inches wide. "Oh Jack", she murmured, "you really are a man after all". He giggled happily as her eyes went wide as the penis grew still larger. "Oh no, you mustn't, that might not be good for you" she said. And it grew and grew, and then : !!KABAM!! it burst. She shrieked and fell to the floor. He said "I'm really not a man after all, but a woman." She looked up now, and saw, to her horror that he now had a cunt, and it was dripping with come juice. And now she noticed the breasts, small but definitely feminine, as he(she) crept towards her. And then, all of a sudden, a spaceship hovered beyond the window, sent in a mechanical arm and started wrecking the apartment. It went up her cunt, and thru her mouth, and she died and made a mess on the carpet. And he cried, and flew back to his cave, where he hung upside down by his toes, ate grapes, and sulked all day.

Liquid Death [Feb 18, 1983]

Only death,
gives me hope
Without it,
I can't cope.
Prepare me once again,
for the rope...

Distant beacon,
Liquid fire
fast approaching
my desire.

Thirsting lips,
await your ice
Numbing powder,
feels so nice...

I must know it,
one more time
Maybe soon,
it will be mine.

Liquid death
that feeds my flame,
I have loved you,
yet again...

---------------------------

Just another night
of pointless search
for something I
don't understand
Another waste
Another taste
of prison
in this far-off land,

where all my gods
have left my side
They don't believe
in suicide.

and I am just another book,
a cage where people stop and look.

Mushroom think [Feb 28, 1984]

Mushroom think,
in the blink
of an eye,
A thousand messages
passing by.

This is the way,
This be the truth
revealed discretely
by the ruse,
of mindly poison
creeping sin
to release from prison,
thoughts within,

that stay with us
but for the night,
and gone before
the morning light

Pain of Guilt [Aug 28, 1983]

Pain of guilt
of promise built
on trust
and lust
for a reason we
both know exists
and persists
to torment me
in times of want,
the drive that haunts:
the love of need
the monster seed
that born with hex
the curse of sex

Relief
is my belief
a release,
however brief:
the love that bleeds,
the monster freed
my in-born hex
my need of sex

Masculinity,
the esteemed trinity
of you and me,
and us.
The fields of rust
On wasted lust.
I drink the poisoned potion
My downfall the devotion:
to wants of sex,
the lives it wrecks.
the monstrous need
that I must feed.

Post-coital depression,
A timely recession
A welcome reception
to another session
of keeping man alive
the need on which we thrive,
the guilty stain
the bearer of pain
that fit of passion
that changing fashion
the stuff of tears
that pool of fears...
I wish I could erase
the sin of my race.
But I must heed
the loving need
It's in our fate
to procreate