Young enough,
Not to know.
Newly fallen,
Virgin snow.
[Upon the hills
seek wanderers,
Looking for today
Far below,
The comfort-dwellers
Lost in yesterday]
For the promise to bear fruit,
The path be brightly lit.
But who can tell tomorrow now
Before the storm has hit.
Somewhere lies my companion
Perhaps to never rise.
For all my life I search for thee
To see those bright-lit eyes.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
The Element of Surprise [March 17, 1980]
I saw the ceiling start to cave in as the Salesman touched the Flower. I thought it would wither at his touch, but instead its colorful surface remained calm and beautiful, a sharp contrast with the ever-present Rock, who of course could not move. It seemed they sensed my discomfort, and more cracks formed. My head reeled from the previous excitement, a metallic grating sound the only result from my continuous attempts at speech. A steady and annoying low frequency buzz permeated my brain.
With some relief I noticed that the Salesman appeared to be failing, or at least not winning. He needed to increase his staff, but I was beyond reach, and though a few hovered uncertainly at the edge, they too wished not to risk themselves on the journey, which would be quite perilous. I realized this was my reason for terror. The path passed dangerously close to steep cliffs and precarious rock perched on the upper slope. There was danger in picking one's way through the fragments, and surely there were more subtle dangers waiting to pounce upon my person.
I took all this in in a moment, and withdrew. The 6 feet separating me from freedom may as well have been 6000 miles, for at that moment it was not possible for me to transcend the Wall. I wished for ... but no, I could never rely on that again, that Deceiving Light. I closed my eyes, but the picture did not change, for seeing and feeling were synonymous. I withdrew...
I could not get back! I looked through his eyes, for they were no longer mine. All appeared well, nothing had changed and I was relieved. I was exceedingly comfortable ; warm and secure. I had never known such peace, but my only regret was that my will seemed to no longer carry influence. I was trapped in the most delightful of prisons.
I winced as the table moved sharply up towards the eyes, and heard a muffled thud. I was aware of darkness, and a sense that my prison no longer had material bounds. I seemed to have aquired a new sense, one that relied on no physical parameters. A picture began to form, and everything was clear again. There seemed to be no vantage point to the image I perceived, or if there was one, it was infinite.
His body lay slumped over the table, his hands in front of the head in a strange position. She, the Innocent, touched him, and called his name, but of course he could not respond. Several people from nearby crowded around the Scene, offering their opinions on the nature of the incident. There was laughter in the eyes of several, but genuine concern in the eyes of the Innocent. The Rock, as usual, was impassive. The Salesman voiced his theory on the cause as resulting from the previous excitement, which seemed to satisfy most of them. Hmm! The Salesman, under false pretenses, had achieved a rather significant victory.
Then, without warning, His hands shifted, and the head was slowly raised. He looked blankly at the verbal garbage they spewed at him. I was being called. He could only look at them, turning from one face to the other. He gazed first at the Innocent, but seemed to be annoyed at the ceaseless workings of her mouth. He then turned to the Salesman, who expressed some concern amid cackles of laughter, but this too seemed to trouble Him. He looked at the Rock, who did not return the gaze, but only shrugged helplessly and looked at the Flower. The Flower was the next object of vision for Him. The Flower returned the look, but it was empty, containing vague traces of pity mixed with genuine amusement.
I was being demanded for now, but I was in no hurry to return. I understood the situation perfectly however, and knew what should be done. Smile, laugh! As soon as this happened, a sense of relief permeated the scene, and all appeared well as they all laughed and joked about the Incident. There was nothing I could do now but return, for much was being risked. I turned off and settled back inside, feeling a pang of regret as I remembered the limitations of pure physical visual perception. The gears locked together perfectly. I lifted my hand slowly and put it down. Good, nothing had changed.
I turned my full attention to the situation at hand, offering plausible explanations and reducing the tension. All was well. No! The Flower had whithered slightly, and triumph gleamed from the Salesman's eyes. This angered me, what joy that emotion! The Rock remained unchanged, naturally. The Innocent was now even a stronger ally, and I felt exhiliration at future prospects. I complained of fatigue, and excused myself. I would begin the long process of tearing down the Wall, and then we would see.
With some relief I noticed that the Salesman appeared to be failing, or at least not winning. He needed to increase his staff, but I was beyond reach, and though a few hovered uncertainly at the edge, they too wished not to risk themselves on the journey, which would be quite perilous. I realized this was my reason for terror. The path passed dangerously close to steep cliffs and precarious rock perched on the upper slope. There was danger in picking one's way through the fragments, and surely there were more subtle dangers waiting to pounce upon my person.
I took all this in in a moment, and withdrew. The 6 feet separating me from freedom may as well have been 6000 miles, for at that moment it was not possible for me to transcend the Wall. I wished for ... but no, I could never rely on that again, that Deceiving Light. I closed my eyes, but the picture did not change, for seeing and feeling were synonymous. I withdrew...
I could not get back! I looked through his eyes, for they were no longer mine. All appeared well, nothing had changed and I was relieved. I was exceedingly comfortable ; warm and secure. I had never known such peace, but my only regret was that my will seemed to no longer carry influence. I was trapped in the most delightful of prisons.
I winced as the table moved sharply up towards the eyes, and heard a muffled thud. I was aware of darkness, and a sense that my prison no longer had material bounds. I seemed to have aquired a new sense, one that relied on no physical parameters. A picture began to form, and everything was clear again. There seemed to be no vantage point to the image I perceived, or if there was one, it was infinite.
His body lay slumped over the table, his hands in front of the head in a strange position. She, the Innocent, touched him, and called his name, but of course he could not respond. Several people from nearby crowded around the Scene, offering their opinions on the nature of the incident. There was laughter in the eyes of several, but genuine concern in the eyes of the Innocent. The Rock, as usual, was impassive. The Salesman voiced his theory on the cause as resulting from the previous excitement, which seemed to satisfy most of them. Hmm! The Salesman, under false pretenses, had achieved a rather significant victory.
Then, without warning, His hands shifted, and the head was slowly raised. He looked blankly at the verbal garbage they spewed at him. I was being called. He could only look at them, turning from one face to the other. He gazed first at the Innocent, but seemed to be annoyed at the ceaseless workings of her mouth. He then turned to the Salesman, who expressed some concern amid cackles of laughter, but this too seemed to trouble Him. He looked at the Rock, who did not return the gaze, but only shrugged helplessly and looked at the Flower. The Flower was the next object of vision for Him. The Flower returned the look, but it was empty, containing vague traces of pity mixed with genuine amusement.
I was being demanded for now, but I was in no hurry to return. I understood the situation perfectly however, and knew what should be done. Smile, laugh! As soon as this happened, a sense of relief permeated the scene, and all appeared well as they all laughed and joked about the Incident. There was nothing I could do now but return, for much was being risked. I turned off and settled back inside, feeling a pang of regret as I remembered the limitations of pure physical visual perception. The gears locked together perfectly. I lifted my hand slowly and put it down. Good, nothing had changed.
I turned my full attention to the situation at hand, offering plausible explanations and reducing the tension. All was well. No! The Flower had whithered slightly, and triumph gleamed from the Salesman's eyes. This angered me, what joy that emotion! The Rock remained unchanged, naturally. The Innocent was now even a stronger ally, and I felt exhiliration at future prospects. I complained of fatigue, and excused myself. I would begin the long process of tearing down the Wall, and then we would see.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Compliments to my Lover [letter received Apr 19th, in some year near the turn of the century]
Compelled to say... you are the best lover I ever had. I do not say that lightly but honestly and without a doubt. (Brainwashed maybe, how did you do that?)
I had no choice but to put these words onto paper. I just gotta tell you, I enjoy you emensely and look forwards to every new day I spend with you. Those moments most precious to me are in your sweetest touches, your intimate caresses, and your beautiful smile. I never knew a man could be so beautiful on the outside and the inside. You are so sweet to me and I love it.
I appreciate all that you do for me. Most importantly, I just seem... I mean I can't get over how incredibly good I feel when making love to you. Amazing. I never knew that I could give myself to someone so fully, and have orgasms so freely ... feels so great ... I barely have to work at it ... it's spontaneous ... I just feel so good and then I come ... no warning ... just going for it ... not feeling ashamed about it ... just loving it.
I'm so deliriously happy for this. I'm very glad that as time goes by we've become more and more sexually compatible. I'm so glad I stuck it out. There were times in the beginning when I wondered if it was worth it. Time has proven that sticking it out was more than worth it. I'm so glad for that.
When I say good night to you, you almost always turn your head and pucker up to kiss me, I love that. And as I think of these things now I gush to have you enter me. That is the ultimate ... intense ... intimacy. I love it. It's what was missing from my life. I'm so happy I got it. And that it's with you.
Have a Happy day !
[name withheld until statute of limitations expires in 2010]
I had no choice but to put these words onto paper. I just gotta tell you, I enjoy you emensely and look forwards to every new day I spend with you. Those moments most precious to me are in your sweetest touches, your intimate caresses, and your beautiful smile. I never knew a man could be so beautiful on the outside and the inside. You are so sweet to me and I love it.
I appreciate all that you do for me. Most importantly, I just seem... I mean I can't get over how incredibly good I feel when making love to you. Amazing. I never knew that I could give myself to someone so fully, and have orgasms so freely ... feels so great ... I barely have to work at it ... it's spontaneous ... I just feel so good and then I come ... no warning ... just going for it ... not feeling ashamed about it ... just loving it.
I'm so deliriously happy for this. I'm very glad that as time goes by we've become more and more sexually compatible. I'm so glad I stuck it out. There were times in the beginning when I wondered if it was worth it. Time has proven that sticking it out was more than worth it. I'm so glad for that.
When I say good night to you, you almost always turn your head and pucker up to kiss me, I love that. And as I think of these things now I gush to have you enter me. That is the ultimate ... intense ... intimacy. I love it. It's what was missing from my life. I'm so happy I got it. And that it's with you.
Have a Happy day !
[name withheld until statute of limitations expires in 2010]
Monday, 26th of April, 1976
Yesterday, I just thought about Saturday
I'm still thinking about M.G. and I know I'm still a lot in love with her. I want to talk to her, but there's problems: I think, and others think, that Helen really likes me. I want her, but if I tell her I like M.G.......
Sweeney is a bastard again. He owes me 60 cents but he's always stalling.
My first plant is really big. I almost killed the other two, but I think they'll live.
I'm still thinking about M.G. and I know I'm still a lot in love with her. I want to talk to her, but there's problems: I think, and others think, that Helen really likes me. I want her, but if I tell her I like M.G.......
Sweeney is a bastard again. He owes me 60 cents but he's always stalling.
My first plant is really big. I almost killed the other two, but I think they'll live.
1993?
You camel-kissing puss-laden piece of donkey dung, I disdain thee with foul criticism, stretch thy tongue with pliers and desecrate thee with watery feces.
Jun 30, 1999
Semi-conscious suburban white girl strikes a pose for me
Girl becomes woman like a spring flower
Me bee, must pollinate
Drink beer, attempt to mate,
with the fresh flower.
We can not be friends ?
Did I deny you her chance ?
With this,
we understand.
Only later can apologies come
When the heat is gone,
No flower to inhale...
But now, the furnace of love possessiveness burns
beyond our control
Around this,
does all revolve
Pretty flower,
won't you be mine ?
Girl becomes woman like a spring flower
Me bee, must pollinate
Drink beer, attempt to mate,
with the fresh flower.
We can not be friends ?
Did I deny you her chance ?
With this,
we understand.
Only later can apologies come
When the heat is gone,
No flower to inhale...
But now, the furnace of love possessiveness burns
beyond our control
Around this,
does all revolve
Pretty flower,
won't you be mine ?
Thursday, April 10, 2008
July 3rd, 1982
Smiling eyes
On a fading face
Begging time,
That's not to waste
[Distant vision
Long ago
Something about
A girl I know]
The cruel sun woke me
From a dream
The day was gone
And so was she
--------------------------
I watched him set a fire,
Upon it placed his love.
His object of desire, and
Burned the symbol dove
I watched accusing eyes
Reflected in the glass
A selfish deed is done
Another chance is past
--------------------------
Will it take the test of time
This love reborn today
In the end will you be mine
Or will it fade away
--------------------------
I watched him stand,
On the threshold of a dream
Saw them fall,
In the raging stream
We saw a light
Dimming fast
But saved the flame
And made it last
The mirror spoke,
Showed me a world
Gave me a beacon
To the future.
I read the words,
As bright as sun
Then left for good,
To be the One.
On a fading face
Begging time,
That's not to waste
[Distant vision
Long ago
Something about
A girl I know]
The cruel sun woke me
From a dream
The day was gone
And so was she
--------------------------
I watched him set a fire,
Upon it placed his love.
His object of desire, and
Burned the symbol dove
I watched accusing eyes
Reflected in the glass
A selfish deed is done
Another chance is past
--------------------------
Will it take the test of time
This love reborn today
In the end will you be mine
Or will it fade away
--------------------------
I watched him stand,
On the threshold of a dream
Saw them fall,
In the raging stream
We saw a light
Dimming fast
But saved the flame
And made it last
The mirror spoke,
Showed me a world
Gave me a beacon
To the future.
I read the words,
As bright as sun
Then left for good,
To be the One.
Friday, April 4, 2008
IMTIREDOFTHINKING [Aug 16, 1983]
Hi cocksuckers!! You remind me of the inside of my rectum after an enjoyable 15 minute session of acute diahrrea.
Ah yes, how good it feels to reminisce of days gone by, to bring back the wonderfulness and contentedness of the past. Up my ass.
I am severely disappointed in myself, having failed to succeed in the most important of life-matters: the inability to come and piss simultaneously. God only knows how often I've tried, the endless hours of futility and pain in this room, the shattering realization of the impossibility of the act.
I find it increasingly difficult to out-pervert myself. I have been forced to remove one of my testicles, and insert it most deviously into the family pickle jar, from whence it has disappeared into the beloved stomachs of my family members.
I can't help but noticing how my philosophical boundaries have developed and expanded, causing every word I speak or write to be immediately considered a treasured pearl of infinite wisdom. But such is intelligence and greatness, my friends, such is the nature of your most revered and admired and sought-after leader - your one and only Marc.
I have commissioned an expert team of architects and sculptors to erect a 120-foot statue of my likeness on the summit of Mt-Royal, at the same time deplacing and replacing that no-good ancient artifact of an excuse for a gaudy cross. The beautiful finished structure will be adorned with the internal light of rare gems and precious metals.
Hundreds of famous authors assault the doors of my abode daily, clamouring and begging to be chosen for the task of my autobiographist. I gaily cast them the fluttering remains of my used kleenex, and they hasten away, absorbed in the enormity of their new found treasure.
Samples of my stool have been auctioned off for thousands of dollars in charity auctions, and my urine is considered a life-giving elixir to many, who not only include it in their diet by drinking a few expensive millilitres daily, but also inject it intravenously, a high that is believed to be a hundred fold that given by high-concentration heroin.
Aaah. Need I continue ? Have you, dear reader, finally grasped the implied message recorded in such splendour here ? I hope not, that I may continue on. Oh. You've had quite enough I see. Very well, 'til tomorrow then. Cheerio.
Ah yes, how good it feels to reminisce of days gone by, to bring back the wonderfulness and contentedness of the past. Up my ass.
I am severely disappointed in myself, having failed to succeed in the most important of life-matters: the inability to come and piss simultaneously. God only knows how often I've tried, the endless hours of futility and pain in this room, the shattering realization of the impossibility of the act.
I find it increasingly difficult to out-pervert myself. I have been forced to remove one of my testicles, and insert it most deviously into the family pickle jar, from whence it has disappeared into the beloved stomachs of my family members.
I can't help but noticing how my philosophical boundaries have developed and expanded, causing every word I speak or write to be immediately considered a treasured pearl of infinite wisdom. But such is intelligence and greatness, my friends, such is the nature of your most revered and admired and sought-after leader - your one and only Marc.
I have commissioned an expert team of architects and sculptors to erect a 120-foot statue of my likeness on the summit of Mt-Royal, at the same time deplacing and replacing that no-good ancient artifact of an excuse for a gaudy cross. The beautiful finished structure will be adorned with the internal light of rare gems and precious metals.
Hundreds of famous authors assault the doors of my abode daily, clamouring and begging to be chosen for the task of my autobiographist. I gaily cast them the fluttering remains of my used kleenex, and they hasten away, absorbed in the enormity of their new found treasure.
Samples of my stool have been auctioned off for thousands of dollars in charity auctions, and my urine is considered a life-giving elixir to many, who not only include it in their diet by drinking a few expensive millilitres daily, but also inject it intravenously, a high that is believed to be a hundred fold that given by high-concentration heroin.
Aaah. Need I continue ? Have you, dear reader, finally grasped the implied message recorded in such splendour here ? I hope not, that I may continue on. Oh. You've had quite enough I see. Very well, 'til tomorrow then. Cheerio.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Fish story [Monday, Feb 26 1979]
What a day! what a day. Carnival is officially begun. Had the goldfish eating contest, and I WON! I couldn't believe it. Just before it started, I got in my get up: sleeveless undershirt, leather jacket, wristbands, dickie, and reflective sun-glasses What a riot! It looked fantastic. The whole school was in the bandring watching. There were about 10 people in the contest. It started off slowly. One guy started eating 8 at a time, and I thought for sure he would win. But we started running out of fish, and when the final 6 contestants had all eaten 30, they decided to have a bid to see how many one could eat at the same time. The person who bid and ate his number would win. It started low, and I just kept upping every number, until finally I said 16, and that was it. I knew I couldn't do it. If I missed, I would be out. I could've copped out, but I didn't. I just shoved all 16 in my mouth and started swallowing, crunching and chewing the little buggers as they squirmed in my mouth. I used all my will power, and refused to be grossed out - and I did it ! Wow, I won 2 1/2 cases. Jean-Guy (my pseudo name) the hero and champion. I got a Molson trophy. And I didn't even feel sick after 46 goldfish - 16 in one shot. I was great, but I hate boasting.
After, I went with Alec and Rich to the metro, and got a case of 12 of beer. We drank it in the B.R. It felt mighty good, 4 wasn't enough. We got some from the aquarium club, I had 6 in all. We were storming all around the school : kicking garbage cans, pissing all over the bathrooms, greasing my hair, freaking and rowdying in the library, throwing beer cans, and smashing beer bottles. What a total riot.
After, I went with Alec and Rich to the metro, and got a case of 12 of beer. We drank it in the B.R. It felt mighty good, 4 wasn't enough. We got some from the aquarium club, I had 6 in all. We were storming all around the school : kicking garbage cans, pissing all over the bathrooms, greasing my hair, freaking and rowdying in the library, throwing beer cans, and smashing beer bottles. What a total riot.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Ice is cracking [Aug 1, 1983]
Butterflies,
up in the sky
Butterflies, to me they fly.
Oh no, don't ever let them land
I'm scared of them,
you understand.
Afraid of their bite,
of their claw
the veiled danger
and what's stranger,
than an enemy that fights with love
stronger than the weapon I bear.
my naked blade will see no blood
and I am blinded by a flood
of tears.
[they taught you,
hoped you understood,
How to tell the bad from good.
How to fight and how to die
When to give up, when to try
But now you kiss it all good-bye:
it's time to throw away the books
open your eyes and have a look]
I see them coming,
watch them dive
They want to take me
dead or alive.
Close my eyes
there's nothing there
They've disappeared
into thin air.
Somewhere lies a lonely key
that opens all inside of me.
For now I rest,
await
the test.
And the one I hope to see...
up in the sky
Butterflies, to me they fly.
Oh no, don't ever let them land
I'm scared of them,
you understand.
Afraid of their bite,
of their claw
the veiled danger
and what's stranger,
than an enemy that fights with love
stronger than the weapon I bear.
my naked blade will see no blood
and I am blinded by a flood
of tears.
[they taught you,
hoped you understood,
How to tell the bad from good.
How to fight and how to die
When to give up, when to try
But now you kiss it all good-bye:
it's time to throw away the books
open your eyes and have a look]
I see them coming,
watch them dive
They want to take me
dead or alive.
Close my eyes
there's nothing there
They've disappeared
into thin air.
Somewhere lies a lonely key
that opens all inside of me.
For now I rest,
await
the test.
And the one I hope to see...
Instilled Creation [Jun 26, 1983]
Instilled creation : the sexual drive causes copulation with the female of the species to occur, thereby continuing the species (assuring offspring). The feeling of sexual rejection immediately following intercourse causes the male to lose interest in female (as a sexual object), and consequently the male of the species (stronger and more cunning) can pursue his natural role as provider (such as hunting game for consumption). The constant sexual readiness of the female assures that the sexually unstable male can find some occasion for mutual sexual encountering.
Fortunately, fucking feels fine (otherwise you and I wouldn't be here, buddy).
Fortunately, fucking feels fine (otherwise you and I wouldn't be here, buddy).
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